Article by Travis Fitch
In my role as Head of Personal Excellence at West Perth Football Club, I have the privilege of supporting athletes in building their "inner game" capacity to enhance their on-field performance.
In a recent conversation with a League player, we discussed their struggle to find joy in any part of their game. It quickly became apparent that they were expending considerable emotional and mental bandwidth on gaining validation from others.
Chasing satisfaction and happiness through the affirmations and approval of others is a pretty common pursuit, one that I’m no stranger to in various aspects of my life.
Who doesn’t like to receive praise, right? Even those who claim that recognition is never important to them don't entirely convince me. There's something about being acknowledged by those who have mentored us, raised us, been raised by us, or those who are our bosses or direct reports.
What Have I Given Over?
"Authority" becomes a crucial word at this point – especially its first six letters.
The inherent danger of living to the validation and of approval others is that we unwittingly give permission to them to determine our levels of happiness and satisfaction in life. Our potential enjoyment of a given moment now hangs in the balance, dependent on someone else's unique and biased experience, view, and expectations. In essence, we have given over permission to someone else to author our story.
A central question we might then ask ourselves is:
To whom have I handed over authority to write (author) my story of satisfaction and enjoyment in life?
• For the athlete, it’s commonly parents or coaches or media.
“I'm happy if I receive their positive feedback and celebration of my achievements.”
• In the workplace, it won’t only be those we report to or a particular client or stakeholder; it may also be our comparisons to the achievements of others.
“My sense of satisfaction is diminished or increased depending on how I see myself sitting in relation to a colleague’s perceived success (or someone in a similar field to me).”
Taking Back The Pen
So how do we shift the dial? Where might we find a more stable source of fulfillment? Or, as I asked the athlete I was coaching:
What does it mean to take the pen back and author your own story of happiness and satisfaction?
A starting point is the decision to intentionally prioritise our energy towards what is within our wheelhouse; namely, the things we can control. And what are those things?
Ben Crowe, the masterful mindset and leadership coach, offers a concise picture of the main three things within our control:
Intent: How hard am I prepared to work?
Tactics: What practices, skill development, habits, rituals, rhythms will I put into place?
Mindset: What am I saying to myself – about myself, about others, about a situation?
My addition to Crowe’s Mindset category would be consideration of both the emotional response I am having and the associated physiology that either expresses, reinforces or even helpfully disrupts a given emotional space in which I find myself. In Ontology we call this interplay between mindset (language), emotions and body our way of being.
Shifting our energy to the three domains of Intent, Tactics and Way of Being makes it entirely possible to not be derailed by an unreached outcome, unmet expectation, or unattained goal, but instead help us to hold these events with more curiosity and lightness. I give this shift the best possible chance by allowing my satisfaction, enjoyment, and fulfillment to be based on an evaluation of how hard I worked, the tactics and practices I committed myself to, and how grounded I was emotionally, linguistically, and physiologically.
An Exercise for Reflection, Journaling and Integration:
Consider a recent situation where the validation or approval from others was important to you – client interaction, a business development conversation, logging an activity on Strava, weight loss goal, performance metric etc
Practice prioritising your focus on the following:
Intent:
How hard were you prepared to work in that situation?
Were your efforts aligned with your genuine intentions and goals?
What might you do more or less of moving forward that would make this more satisfying for you?
Tactics:
What specific practices, skill development, habits, rituals, or rhythms did you put into place to achieve your desired outcome?
What resources or whose support could you seek out to build your capacity in this space?
Way of Being (Language / Emotions / Body):
What were you saying to yourself – about yourself, about others, or about the situation that were most useful/unhelpful?
What emotional spaces supported and hindered your ability?
What role did your physiology (posture / breathing / pace / tension / activity) play in supporting or inhibiting your engagement in this activity?
Moving forward, summarise how you would most like to be in relation to this activity/situation (in your thinking, emotions and in your body)?
By prioritising these domains, you may gain insights into where you've been placing authority in your narrative of satisfaction and happiness, and what it could mean to take the pen back. Take note of how shifting your focus to these controllable domains can lead to a more resilient and fulfilling experience, irrespective of external validations and results.
An Invitation
A reflection exercise like this can be a big leap to make, especially when we are feeling cloudy, confused or emotional. Even having example questions all laid out may not change things for us.
The team at Oasis People and Culture specialises in supporting leaders in reflection and integration processes like this. These are the types of conversations that can powerfully shift our experience of challenging situations, as well as the experiences of those we lead.
If you've found yourself intrigued or resonating with the idea of taking back the pen and authoring your own story of happiness and satisfaction, we invite you to a complimentary coaching conversation. At Oasis, we believe in the transformative power of these conversations and are here to support you on your road to a more fulfilling and life-giving leadership experience.
Connect with one of our team today and take another step toward a leadership narrative that you are more consciously crafting.