I recently earned my National Mediators Accreditation, an experience that built on the exceptional mediation training I completed through Peacewise.
In a world where conflict and misunderstandings are more the norm than the exception, our capacity to navigate interpersonal dynamics with empathy and insight is more essential than ever.
During the training, I was introduced to the concept of ‘mentalising,’ often referred to as theory of mind. Mentalising is the ability to understand our own and others’ thoughts, feelings, intentions, and perspectives. It’s about recognising that other people have beliefs, desires, and emotions that may not align with our own, and understanding how these mental states drive behaviour. This cognitive skill is critical for effective social interactions, as it enables us to predict and interpret the actions of others with greater accuracy.
At Oasis, we often refer to this process of mentalising as being an observer of our own Way of Being. It’s about stepping outside ourselves to better understand the full picture—not just our own viewpoint but the perspectives of those around us.
A powerful reminder from the training was this: “As emotional arousal—like anger, fear, anxiety, disgust, hurt, or sadness—goes up, mentalising goes down” (UWA Mediation Clinic). In other words, when emotions run high, our capacity to think clearly, take others' perspectives, and make good decisions diminishes. We get caught in our own narratives, which makes it tough to see our role in the conflict. That’s when we start pointing fingers and finding fault in others.
Alan Sieler from the Ontological Coaching Institute, a great friend of Oasis People and Culture, encapsulates this idea well:
“The right conversation in the wrong mood is the wrong conversation.”
Conflict situations often trigger emotional states that aren’t conducive to resolving the actual conflict. I recently spoke with a senior executive who shared a moment of anger during a tough conversation with a superior. Realising that his anger wouldn’t lead to a positive outcome, he calmly said:
“Here is what is going to happen now. I am going to walk out of this room and go for a walk so that I can settle myself and come back to this conversation in a couple of hours.”
By exercising his autonomy and respectfully taking charge of the situation, he avoided an unproductive and potentially destructive conversation.
In moments of conflict, neither party is at their best. The key is to be kind—to yourself and to the other person—by striving to have the right conversation, in the right mood, at the right time.
That’s how you get to the best possible outcome.