There’s a moment we’ve all faced: the final serve to win the match, the last stroke to sink a birdie, the free throw that could secure the game, or the penalty kick that decides everything. These moments are laden with pressure, not because we want to win but because we are terrified of losing. We tense up. Our minds flood with fear. Instead of seeing what we have, we focus on what we lack or what is at stake. We stop playing to win and start playing not to lose.
I recently attended a leadership development program in Singapore, where I became certified in the Leadership Circle, a powerful 360 feedback tool that distinguishes between our Reactive tendencies and our Creative competencies. The phrase ‘playing not to lose’ really resonated with me. It’s a powerful concept because it perfectly encapsulates what happens when we let fear and scarcity control us.
This idea resonates deeply with the work of many scholars in adult and leadership development, like Kegan, Jung, and Covey. As leaders, we like to think we operate from a place of creativity and strength. But the truth is, no matter how much work we’ve done on ourselves, we all carry reactive tendencies—those automatic patterns of behaviour that spring from fear and self-protection.
I saw this in myself during the program, even after years of personal development. Here are a few of the stories that reactive tendencies whisper in our ears:
“Offer a discount, or the customer might walk away.”
“If they treat me that way, I’ll never collaborate with them again.”
“If the team can’t get it done, I’ll just stay late and do it myself.”
At first glance, these seem like practical responses. In some way, our reactive tendencies feel like they’re protecting us. And in truth, they are. But what we rarely acknowledge is the cost.
Research shows that while reactive strategies may offer small, short-term gains, the long-term costs are profound. These behaviours drain our well-being, compromise our effectiveness as leaders, and slowly erode our team’s culture. Reactive tendencies are consumptive, feeding off our energy without offering sustainable benefits in return.
So, what’s the way out? How do we stop playing not to lose?
First, start with some compassion. Brené Brown’s research teaches us that shame and self-judgment only deepen our struggles. We all have reactive tendencies—because we’re human. They served us once, helping us survive and navigate challenges. They’re part of our story, but they don’t have to dictate our future.
Next, practice awareness. When faced with a challenge or disruption, pause. Breathe. Pay attention to your emotional responses. Are your reactions driven by fear? Do you feel as though you have to respond a certain way? That urgency is a clue that your reactive tendencies may be running the show.
Then, decide to dig deeper. Explore where these tendencies show up in your leadership. Using tools like a 360-degree feedback assessment or even self-assessment tools can shine a light on your patterns and reveal hidden strengths that are waiting to emerge. (I’d be very happy to support you in this)
Finally, don’t go it alone—whether through coaching, learning groups, or support from colleagues, find others to walk this journey with you. Developing new muscles—especially emotional ones—takes time, and having some supporters alongside you can make all the difference.
At Oasis People and Culture, we work with hundreds of leaders and teams each year to unlock creative competencies. Through intentional reflection and growth, we help leaders stop playing not to lose and start leading with courage, vulnerability, and vision. I invite you to start a conversation with me if you are curious about how the Leadership Circle tool could extend your leadership capability.